In this piece, Elizabeth J. Birch challenges how and why we ask young people for their views, and what it really means to listen and act on what they tell us.

Stupid Questions

“There are no stupid questions”

We’ve all heard that phrase. Do you believe it?

I’m on the fence: I agree with the sentiment of encouragement, yet I disagree in practice. Let’s be real here: There are unwise questions.

Yet it’s not usually the question's fault; it’s the intention’s fault. 

It’s the difference between “what’s wrong with you” and “Can I ask why you’re in the wheelchair?”

While both may be curious, the first ventures into presumption. The question has already made up your mind about the answer, how you’ll feel about it, and why I’m in my wheelchair (because something is ‘wrong’ with me). It’s intention isn’t curiosity with the view to understand or learn.

The second seeks understanding, and is quite possibly, prepared to alter something based on the answer. Curiosity isn’t bad, but if you aren’t prepared to learn or change something, even if it’s your mind or understanding based on the answer, it wasn’t curiosity. It was performative.

I’m not saying don’t ask questions. I’m not saying don’t be curious. I’m saying ask with intention. 

Intention Before Questions

There’s no point asking a question if:

• You aren’t prepared for the answer. 

Rejecting the answer you’re given means you should never have asked. 

When I was a kid, I would bring two DVD’s to my parents and ask ‘which one should I watch’. When they gave me an answer, I’d go ‘no, I’m going to watch the other’. It would wind my parents up, and they’d always be like ‘well, why did you ask us then?’

• You meet the answer with punishment

You ask for feedback, but the answer is challenging, so you tell them they’re wrong, or don’t invite them to the event again, because they’re just too difficult. 

I learnt quickly that honesty can cost opportunities and being grateful is safer than communicating the actual challenges. 

This is a key pattern I’ve noticed, that feedback means nothing if it doesn’t align with the system already established. 

• You ask after a decision is made

Questions turn to tickboxes. 

So many times do people already decide and ask young people for validation or even just out of obligation.

That’s not listening. It’s presuming. It’s performative. It’s asked out of obligation. 

• You aren’t prepared to take action.

We’ll touch on this later, but if you have no intention to act based on the answer, don’t ask the question. 

Questions mean nothing if the intention is shallow. If nothing changes after the question, the question was never honest or valid in the first place. We have to ask; why are we asking this question and who does it serve

Context During Questions

Young people should be in leadership, share their experience, and be ambitious. However: 

• We ask young people to diagnose a system they didn’t build,
• We ask to explain how they feel unwelcome, without asking ourselves or the system why it feels unwelcoming.

It reminds me of a clip from the show ‘friends’. When Chandler and Monica have their first big fight, Chandler asks Monica “just tell me what to do to make things right”. Monica answers “I’m tired of being your relationship tutor. If you’re too afraid to be in a real relationship, then don’t be in one.” 

How many times have we been Chandler, and how many times have young people been Monica? 

We set young people up for failure

Like asking someone who has never seen a car before what kind of car they want. They’ll say “one that drives”. If you’re lucky, maybe they’ll say green. Essentially they’ve asked for it to work and look pretty. They’ve answered nothing about what the inside will look like, what wheels it has, the make and model, or the size. 

You can’t answer meaningfully without seeing the options. How can a young person tell you what career they want, or how they want to get there if they only know of the single pipeline? 

We ask young people to fix a system they didn’t break

• We place the burden of change on young people. 
• We either make their path for them, or force young people to forge their own pipelines themselves.

Essentially, there’s a lack of accountability, context, and access in the questions we ask. 

A lack of access can mean many things, but it doesn’t equal a lack of ambition. It’s a lack of permission to have ambition, and a lack of language to articulate ambition.

Action After Questions

When asking questions, whether to yourself, each other, or young people, ask yourself: 

• Why am I asking this question?

  Curiosity? Obligation? Validation? Genuine desire to change something? 

• What am I hoping to hear?
• What if the answer challenges me?
• What is my action from the answer I’m given?

There will never be systemic change unless we take meaningful action in response to the answers of the questions we ask. So let me ask you: Are we trying to find answers to change the future, or are we trying to find answers that fit our existing system?

We need to stay accountable. Be honest about why you’re asking​, be aware of the position you’re asking from​, and be accountable for what happens next.

Key Takeaways

• Intention matters before asking a question.
• Context matters while asking a question.
• Action matters after asking a question. 
• Maybe the real provocation isn’t the questions we need to ask. It’s whether we’re willing to take responsibility for the answers we receive.